FEAR OF THE UNEXPECTED

Well, I graduated from college. Isn’t that cool? Fun? Exciting?

TERRIFYING!

What now? What 9-5 job am I going to be working now? I was always so excited to graduate. All of my friends were holding on for dear life, but I was always anticipating the new chapter in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still am so excited to start that chapter, but right now, I feel like I am stuck between the flip of a page…not really sure where I want to go next. Maybe, just maybe, I want to re read that last chapter. Replay it all in my mind and go back to see if I could do anything different. Maybe I want to start a new book altogether.

But it doesn’t work like that. As much as I want it to, it doesn’t. Life is a whirlwind of up’s and down’s, unexpected treasures, and terrible decision making.

Why is the real world so scary to me?

09c811e89c054dda57879ccc8b87e7ddb4d69f3e00887c31084f8f278ec40ab3I have been interviewing at a couple different places these first weeks off from school. None of them are what I want. My major was Communication Studies with a focus in Public Relations/Event Planning. I pretty much had this idea of who and what I wanted to be, and then..well…graduation happened.

I don’t know who the hell I want to be. at all.

It is a devastatingly terrifying feeling to not know what you want in life.

You know that moment when you are on a roller coaster and you are inching your way up just waiting to hit that bump and fly back down again? That anticipation that scares the shit out of you but also is really thrilling at the same time?

Every single day. Every moment of every day. I am thinking about when that bump is going to happen to me, and I am going to be thrown into a new adventure, a new 9-5 adventure that we call the real world.

Like I said, Im still flipping the page. My roller coaster got stuck at the top and is just waiting for that moment to hit full speed.

I am not saying I am not ready. I am just saying, maybe it is the fear of the unexpected that makes me cringe a bit.

The fear that maybe I will not succeed. The fear that I might let myself down, or worse than that, the people around me.

But as I sit her thinking about it all, and feeling bad for myself, I’m realizing how completely ridiculous I sound. EVERYBODY goes through this. EVERYBODY gets scared.

Maybe not now, in this exact moment, am I completely happy with where I am, but I know one day I will be successful, and proud, and ready for anything.

This is just a reminder that you will feel scared once or twice… or 500 times in your life, but that will end, and soon the excitement of a new chapter will rush in. A new chapter of ups, downs, roller coasters, and 9-5 real world jobs.

Holy crap balls, we are going down…

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Our last day in London and this could have been our last picture on this earth…

My sister Shelly is laughing, you know that nervous laugh, I am saying the Lord’s Prayer out loud and Jessica is screaming hysterically. This was the second flight of nine flights we would take in the next 14 days.

The skies are dark, very dark almost evil and the wind is howling like a nightmare in your dreams. The plane is shaking from side to side as we are taking off. The creeks of metal clashing together, the twin little girls are talking to their Mom in the seats in front of us and all I kept thinking, should we be taking off in this weather? We finally get airborne for this 30-minute flight from London to Paris and it was the most frightening event of my life. I have flown in rough weather but nothing like this. The plane was literally bouncing through the air and when I mean bounce, I am talking about up and down, side to side with dramatic plunges. The plane was silent for the first 10 minutes and then you start to see people look around, hold hands and whispers of “oh man, this is it”!

Frightened and starting to panic we are going to crash and drown in the English Channel, I do the only thing that flashes through my mind. If I pray hard enough it will all go away. Shelly is in the seat in front of me and she turns and looks at me through the crack in the seat. It is going to be okay Laurie, relax. My reply is “holy crap balls, we are going down”! She starts to laugh her little laugh that she does when she gets nervous and all I can see is the iconic airplane scene in “Almost Famous”! Seriously, that is what I envisioned…  Jessica is now in full hysterics and I am praying out loud at this point. The whole plane is silent at moments and then when we plunge, the screaming begins again.

After 20 minutes, the Captain comes on and is trying to reassure everyone that we will be fine and to just hold on and brace yourselves. In my mind, that definitely means, get ready to crash. They have said your life flashes before your eyes in moments where you know life is dangerously close to being lost. It really does happen that way and finally I was at peace with it all and I turned to Jessica and said, “I love you”.

This was our whirlwind trip to celebrate her graduation from College and also a trip of a lifetime. We were jet setters traveling Europe, a trip for her to really apply the different cultures for her new career in Interior Design. Something she had dreamed of. Something to hold dear for the rest of her life. Memories and tangible ideas for her new life as an adult. She looked at me and said, “Is this really happening Mom”?   You really do reach a point where it is all out of your control and you just start to relax and go with it. I do admit, I have a flair for the dramatic and I rock it but when that plane landed my whole body was in a nervous shake, the adrenaline I guess, my head bowed forward on the seat in front of me and all I kept saying is how are we going to get home because I will NEVER get on another airplane, EVER.

Needless to say we did get on the airplane but with a little help called Xanex. Let the drooling begin…

By the way, the next day we were watching the news and found out we had flown thru a hurricane. Something that is very rare and never happens in Europe. I guess now, they will be a little more cautious taking off in weather they do not understand. We all looked at each other in amazement that we actually survived but what a story we have to tell…